Gobi's Holiday Ballad
by Wario the TableMan
Summary: Christmas fiestas gone wrong


Gobi sat down and stretched his neck in satisfaction. "I have all of this pond's water to myself, and no one can halt my good times!" he said with a smile.

Just as the old camel bent down to take a sip, a bugling mound of fur and feathers landed on his hump and caused him immense pain. Gobi coughed and a golden jigsaw piece popped out of his mouth.

"Oh boy!" cried Banjo as he swiped the prize and shoved it down his Breegull buddie's gullet. "You were right, Kazooie! Pounding that fella was the key to joy!"

"I also like how it caused somebody pain," said Kazooie nicely.

Gobi began to weep into his pond, which caused the water level to rise and it spilt over, causing terrible floods across the civilsations across the desert.

"What's wrong, Gobi? We thought you'd be used to our Jiggy hunting tactics by now," said Banjo sadly.

"You guys always hurt me whenever I want to have a swell day. I have only just finished wrapping my Christmas presents and this is supposed to be a well-earned drink of cool succulent H2O," sniffled the camel.

Kazooie scoffed. "Then drink up before we get somebody else to do so. There's probably a Jiggy down there and we need that water cleared!"

Gobi cried some more and caused more deaths in the sandy valleys below. "Why must you be so selfish?"

Banjo grinned and jumped into the air with a big pointy finger. "Because we're Banjo Heroes!"

That was the prologue…

Now the real adventure begins…

Gobi sat at his desk and penned his memoir: _Backaches by Beak Busters._

Banjo ran into Gobi's lounge with a club and bashed Gobi's poor head. Kazooie trotted in and stole Gobi's life savings. Mumbo followed in as well and swallowed the memoir whole.

"What have you done?" wailed Gobi. "Tomorrow is Christmas and my wife and children need food and shelter. That memoir was supposed to save us!"

Banjo laughed and stuck a bowl of Cheerios into his nose. He sniffed everything up and it made his biceps really, really big.

Gobi sighed. "But what about my wife and kids?"

Kazooie smiled at Gobi's misfortune and dropped a grenade. She and the others then ran out and Gobi blew up.

PART II: The vision…

Bottles pinned Banjo against the wall and the knife got closer and closer. "I'm gonna give you ten more seconds to tell me the location of the package," the short-sighted mole hissed through gritted teeth.

"Phooey on you…" growled Banjo.

Bottles pulled the knife back and ketchup leaked from the burger. He ate the burger. Banjo frowned at the concept. What had Christmas become at this rate?

Kazooie burst through the doorway as the snow tried to fly in. She quickly shut the door and ran up to Bottles. She planted a loving kiss on her portly husband.

Banjo slammed the wall with his fist. "Why don't we just rob the orphanage?"

Bottles began to weep passionately about orphans. He continued to eat more burger.

"Because if we rob the orphanage, then the cops will find out where we stashed the Chaos Emeralds…"

Everyone gasped and turned around as they heard a faint chuckle escape from the hallway behind them. Mumbo stepped in with a jack-o-lantern over his face. He grinned and held up a candle.

"What are you planning, you fiend?" cried Banjo.

"Ashes to ashes…" Mumbo mumbled, and then he dropped the flame into the top of the pumpkin. "Dust to dust…"

The entire room ignited in flames, burning everyone alive. Banjo managed to escape, but only because Father Christmas was there with his muscular reindeer to rescue him from such tragedy.

The final chapter…

"Banjo, open your eyes…" said a sweet voice.

Banjo finally awoke. "Where am I?"

Banjo then gasped. All of his family and friends stood around his bed with tears in their eyes and smiles adourning their faces.

"It's a miracle!" said Kazooie happily as she cradled her mole-breegull hybrid son.

Bottles walked up with his righteous six-pack and licked Banjo's nose clean of his present rheum collection. "G'day," he said with a rasp. Banjo hadn't heard Bottles sound so hot since Mrs. Bottles's funeral back in the olden days.

Banjo sat up in his bed and looked to his side. Boggy was eating a fruitcake and Lord Woo Fak Fak was crocheting a sweater. "How long was I out for?" asked the honey bear.

Bottles sighed. "You've been gone for twenty-five years…"

"Golly!" exclaimed Banjo.

"Yes, and Father Christmas has been giving you CPR for those entire twenty-five years," said Kazooie. "Bless his beautiful soul, that man!"

Banjo smiled. "But what about the heist?"

Mumbo walked in with a golf club and beat Banjo in the head until he went unconscious.

Jamjars gasped. "Ya lousy punk! Why'd ya do that?"

Mumbo turned to Jamjars with tears in his eyes. "It is the shaman way…"

Everyone then understood the wise words and huddled together over Banjo. They wept and wept for days on end. Never again would life be the same. It was truly a Christmas to remember.

 **THE END**


End file.
